I’ve pretty much hit rock bottom and come to the conclusion that I can’t stay on my current trajectory. It’s already cost me one, if not two, relationships, and I’m tired of dating on hard mode. I’m worried I might be too far gone, so it would be immensely helpful to hear from someone who’s been in the same place and managed to turn things around.
I can manage a week or two with the power of self loathing but once the urges come back I’m really, and I mean really good at coming up with excuses.
I second the opinions for therapy.
I’ve struggled with porn addiction in the past, and I would say I still have to police myself to some degree.
However, after getting some therapy, I’m a lot better about not letting it affect my sex life.
I watch porn, but try to prioritize productive activities that build my relationship. If I watch porn instead of doing that some days, I don’t beat myself up over it. I just observe how it makes me feel, how it makes everyone around me feel (if I take too long getting ready in the morning, for instance).
I cannot stress enough how badly beating yourself up for relapsing keeps you in a negative cycle. It’s really awesome that you’ve identified an area of your life that you’d like to improve, but you don’t get there by focusing on what you don’t like.
Also read into urge surfing! It’s pretty simple. You just wait out your urges. It can be hard to do. But pretty much all urges follow the pattern of increasing in intensity until they reach a peak, then decreasing. So if you can wait through the peak of the urge, it will decrease.
My therapist specialized in addiction therapy, and they also gave me the advice to observe my feelings through every part of the day without judgement. So if you do beat up the bishop one day, try to stave off the shame and just observe. It really helps.
Instead of feeling bad for masturbating, I’ve noticed I get lethargic after I masturbate and that it can affect my perceptions of people depending on the content. This makes me want to forgo the activity much more than negative feelings. I’m aware of the actual consequences, I’m just not giving myself anxiety over it. This allows me to understand where I can fit the activity into the day if I choose to, as well as weigh the actual value and consequences of the action. And if the consequences aren’t worth it after you’ve observed them, you’ll have the knowledge and agency to shut down those urges and break free. Best of luck.
Many people don’t understand that porn is a super stimuli and our brains can be rewired to prefer it over normal sex. They will also argue it is propaganda to suggest such a thing - primarily because of the stigma around sex in a puritan society like ours.
I’m no saint here and don’t have an easy button for you. All I can suggest is go as long as you can without porn, then masturbate to your imagination. The longest streak I’ve managed to avoid porn did this. It may not work for you, but its worth a try.
I realized I had similar issues you mentioned and found online communities that don’t discriminate like rebootnation. Another good reminder that this can happen to anyone is the YouTube series by Terry fucking Crews: dirty little secret. If he had a problem with porn, anyone can.
Yeah, I quit and relapsed and that brings us to present day. I can only really get off to femdom porn but the vast majority of femdom porn is gross and terrible. I love dominant women but I fucking hate the porn. I guess it wasn’t all for nothing, I’m not as bad as I was. I’m not a no-fap idiot either. Masturbation is great! I think porn is fine as long as you don’t fucking hate what you’re watching, you practice self control, and It isn’t replacing genuine human connection. Sadly, not an option for me, at least right now.
I don’t have this relationship with porn but have been addicted to other things. I have found some success in this method:
I tell myself “ok, I can do bad habit in three hours, and I promise myself I won’t feel bad if I do.” and then in three hours, if I can, I just tell myself the same thing over again, and put it off for three more hours. If I buckle, I don’t kick the shit out of myself, and I’ve found that I can make it a whole day if I bargain with myself based on time. If I’m going to do bad habit in three hours, I can think about other things until the three hours is up. And no matter what, setting a small goal (just three measly hours, what’s that to me if I can do bad habit as much as I want when it’s done?) and accomplishing it gives me a different form of reward.
Idk, it doesn’t always work, but when I was trying to fast for health/personal care it really helped me not eat until my “shift” was up.
It doesn’t have to be three hours, it could be 30 minutes, or “when I’m done doing other activity” or something similar. Small goals that are possible to attain.
I don’t understand this anti-porn propaganda. Sounds like those relationships of yours just had jealousy issues. What we do with our own bodies is our business. Find you a partner who respects your bodily needs.
Please read my other replies. This has absolutely nothing to do with jealousity or anti-porn attitudes.
How much are you jerking it? How has it affected your relationships? Are you jerking it to the point you’re not having sex with your gf? Is it interfering with other activities or responsibilities? Were you happy in those relationships to begin with?
Sometimes 8 - 12 hours a day, multiple days in a row. I have no interest in sex at all and yes, that obviously affects my relationships as well as other duties.
Sorry to say, but I think you know already, but at this point it sounds like classic addiction behaviour. Similar to alcoholism, gambling, gaming addiction…
I suggest you look up resources on how to beat addiction in general. And don’t forget, anyone can fall into a trap like this, you are not weak for having a relapse, you are strong for trying again.
I’m gonna say this and it’s gonna sound harsh but it’s not meant to be: You need therapy. Therapy saves lives and it’s way easier to speak to a stranger about things that make you feel guilty like this. Admitting you need help is the first step, getting the help, the second, doing the work the third. And I’m gonna be honest, it’s gonna suck, it’s not gonna be easy but it’s gonna make things better and you’re gonna grow through it.
I don’t disagree but that simply doesn’t feel like a realistic option for me. It’s either way too expensive or too hard to get into.
My other half had a very good experience with TalkSpace, which accepts our insurance.
Unless you’re in the Republican medicaid-obamacare gap, you should have insurance and they should have at least some mental health coverage. And if you are or they don’t, a professional stranger via an online service is definitely something you should look into.
With any addiction or habit you want to change the most important part is not expecting it to just be done with, however hard you try. If you want to stop looking at porn all the time, then becoming someone who struggles with porn, and still breaks every couple of weeks is a big step. If you can keep that up for a longer time you might start being someone who breaks every three weeks and so on. What’s tempting is to say “I can’t do it, so why even try” and just give up.
Also, it’s up to you why you want to stop a habit like that. Being conscious of your reasons and motivations can make it a postive step (whcih is easier to motivate) rather than just something you’re preventing yourself from doing. When I was giving up smoking, it was helpful to think about postivies (breathing easier, having more energy, not stinking of smoke) because when I felt stressed and wanted a smoke telling myself “no you shouldn’t” wasn’t motivating.
It can also be helpful to identify the steps that lead up to a difficult decision point. If you’re not wanting to look at porn, but you find yourself thinking “but I’ll just look up some innocent pictures of blahblahblah, that’s not porn, that’s okay” and then suddenly you’re in a situation that requires much more willpower to not fall down the rabbithole.
Good luck!
Being conscious of your reasons and motivations can make it a postive step
That’s kind of the point why I made this thread. At this point the upsides are mostly hypothetical. I have good reason to believe there are positive changes down the road but I lack the evidence and that competes with a fatalistic view that I was “born this way” or that I’ve permanently damaged myself through decades of increasingly excessive porn use. I get that too much is too much, and there’s obviously no downside to cutting back other than how difficult it is, but when the tough times hit it would be reassuring to know there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
The porn-seeking is your maladaptive mood-regulator.
So if you want to change your behaviors or the way you feel about them, you need to change the way you think and feel inside.
Which means stop focusing on the behavior, and start focusing on the underlying feelings which provoke the behavior. I do strongly suggest therapy, because it’s an emotional thing that’s happening which leads to your useage.
